Junk-food jobs, cool kids, & me
Yesterday»»»I need to leave DC and figure out who I am outside of the life I’ve known for 30 years …
I’m taking a job that looks and sounds like a “power job.” It’s a job that my friends and former colleagues are impressed by. It’s a name-dropping job. It’s ellie-award-winning New York Magazine and the all-powerful political Huffington Post. It’s the job where employees fight tooth-and-nail to get their name on the home page – it’s all about bylines.
In my personal life, I’m not sexy or popular—I never have been. I’m awkward and clumsy. But, by taking these jobs I feel like I’m able to pretend that I’m both sexy and popular—I’m the me in my head, only better. I’m the young woman who can wear 3-inch heels and charge down a hallway on a mission to present a deck that will get a standing ovation, instead of skipping around in my well-worn chucks and AG jeans. These jobs are the metaphor that states that I finally sit at the right “lunch table” – the one where all the “cool kids” sit.
But, these jobs are “junk food” in my professional diet. I appreciate spending the time that it takes to build a strong CMS, rather than a brittle system that looks sexy from the outside, but breaks the creative spirits of the developers who have to maintain it, who are putting out fires, rather that creating better and more meaningful products. My technical teammates love and appreciate me, because I “get it.” But, I expire too soon.
When I get into the “cool crowd” by taking these jobs I get frustrated, stressed, depressed, and I ultimately make good relationships and important points and then quit. I quit in an effort to demonstrate that you can’t keep the best people under those bad circumstances, but I’m replaceable.
I forget that I’m replaceable and that my quitting only hurts my own career. New York Magazine and Huffington Post go on and continue to win awards as they would with or without my contributions. I’m a quitter, but I’m not, I’m a hopeful and a romantic, and I give up when the cracks reveal themselves, because it scares me to death that I’ll get my heart broken again by another junk food job.
AT THE SAME TIME»»»
While, I’m completely organized at work, my personal life is disorganized. I go through at least 2 expensive computers a year, because I drop them, spill on them, etc. I burn through cell phones like their disposable instead of hundreds of dollars. I’m a wreck – I misplace my keys and forget what I’m doing. I’m 100% at work and 10% at home.
I can replace most of these things, but at a cost to myself and at the realization that my life is out of control, because I don’t have the foundation that I need and the staying power to appreciate who I am and the life that I’m living.
I think of myself as a person of whimsy – my disorganization is “cute” and it’s a part of being a “creative” type. But, you know what losing all my stuff is not “cute.” It’s expensive and frustrating. There’s no whimsy in it – it’s clueless, which again is not cute.
Today»»»
I’m the employee and team member people have come to respect and depend upon. I’m a source of strength and calm in the face of stress and adversity and crisis. When I speak my staff and teammates listen, because my calm and composed repose is inspiring.
I am on time to work everyday and I show up in jeans and chucks, because I’m comfortable with who I am. I don’t think about the 3-inch heels I always thought I would wear – the success shoes. Instead, I’m neat, sunny, and focused – I don’t show up in a fog that takes an hour or two to wear off. I’m clear and as real as rain.
When situations get stressful, I follow a 10-minute or so plan to take care of my anxiety, before I dive into the crisis. I take personal distance from my professional problems, so that the two don’t collide. So, when I’m having a personal “bad day” and a professional “bad day” I don’t let them crash into one another creating a hyper-bad day.
I’m an amazing leader and colleague who doesn’t need to have a drink or two to take the edge off at mixers, because people will come and talk to me. I don’t need to “warm-up” in order to talk to them. I’m professional and helpful and great at what I do and people see me that way and not the “awkward” way that I used to see myself.
AT THE SAME TIME»»»
I have an organized personal life. I don’t lose my phone or wallet or drop my computer, because I’m distracted. I’m in calm control over my home and I know where my keys are every day. I save time by being personally organized and when I leave the house I don’t leave in a tornado-spinning motion. I leave with my glasses and lip-gloss and I don’t stop 10 minutes down the road to return for anything I’ve forgotten. I don’t forget anymore, I’m aware of the things and people in my life and I take care of them well. I save about an hour a day in worrying and spend that time enjoying my life instead. I’m a creative type who has her act together.
I saved my life by moving to New York. I saved a well-worth-it life.